The treetops flutter,
swaying in the wind,
gracefully,
like dancers on a sky-blue stage.
The rough-barked trunks groan
and sigh
like souls weary
from age and wisdom.
The gods breathe on the treetops,
like you would to
a new sprout.
a leaf spirals down,
lazily,
like a boat drifting on the sea,
until it softly kisses the ground.
A seed is slowly worked,
this way and that,
looser and looser.
It drops onto a branch,
and rolls,
down to the earth that gave it Life.
The cycle
has begun anew.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
This starts quite nicely, with a decent flow.
But you lose it at the second line of the 2nd stanza:
"The rough-barked trunks groan
and sigh
like souls weary
from age and wisdom. "
i would clean it up a bit, and edit the language. less is more.
often i find that poetry written with less articles is cleaner, and can help create a smoother flow. it also makes you think about your word usage. it also helps so that you're not "saying" so much as <i>showing</i>.
Stanza 3:
"The gods breathe on the treetops,
like you would to
a new sprout. "
this could be written so much more.... descriptively. you're saying too much. you're not showing.
spritz it up. the first line has room for improvement.
Gods? or God? you seem to be writing about nature, which has more of a one-god feel to it, rather than a greek mythological pagan like GodS.
for example, and feel free to not take any of my advice, or to discount what you don't agree with, but here's how i would put it:
God's breath on treetops,
as gentle winds
over budding sprouts.
but hell, i wouldn't use "like", also, the reference is very... abstract, and seemingly out of place. first you're describing something like autumn, and then sprouts make you think of spring...
your writing is indecisive. I'd clear up your meaning a bit and crack down to the nitty gritty of this.
Stanza 4:
"a leaf spirals down,
lazily,
like a boat drifting on the sea,
until it softly kisses the ground."
again, too many articles... and another abstract reference. try something more akin to the topic... like a marigold puff gliding in the wind.... something earthy.
kisses the ground is a bit off too. try embraces?
expand your vocabulary, i know you can. all it takes is a thesaurus and a dictionary! :]
as for the rest of the poem:
"A seed is slowly worked,
this way and that,
looser and looser.
It drops onto a branch,
and rolls,
down to the earth that gave it Life.
The cycle
has begun anew."
a seed is slowly worked is vague. worked what? by what? wind... a squirrel rattling around? be more specific, and show it. you're telling a lot more than showing in this piece.
er, drops onto a branch?
maybe drops <i>from</i> a branch?
i'd clean this up some, and really try to show, more than tell.
It has potential.
Hope you can use some of my advice.
--cLaiRe
I thought that was a really cute poem, but i would have to agree with Mad on some of his suggestions.
I like your vocabulary range, you use words so much to your advantage rather than just placing there, they work!
Keep up the good work!
Meevs
x
WOW! You were really descriptive and you really made people want to read it with your beginning. The way you ended the peom was very intresting to.
Your poem doesn't really flow. The structure that you've got at the moment, with some short lines here and there breaks up the rhythm.
Something like that is quite effective, because it creates a feeling of laziness. There are a few occasions when your line breaks work well, a few others when they hamper the poem. I think you shoud try and find a more even balance.
That isn't the best ending, its almost cliched really.
The words that you've used in your poem are good, and the structure (to a certain extent) makes me feel like I'm also swaying in the treetops. The message and meaning of the poem doesn't really grab me. It's nothing original, maybe adding a twist or trying to build it to a more dramatic climax would add someting more.